All Quiet on the Digital Front

January 24, 2017 @ 1303

Well. Another promising day on the Home Page patrol. Skies are clear, with high morale and a high probability of cat videos. Reactions of grades ANGRY or SAD are at a monthly low and the only rogues going live and clogging up the newsfeed are the usual suspects.

Only four notifications to report this morning.

  1. At 4:24 AM: a CandyCrush request from Ellen Lester, that girl who went to your high school and sat with you for two hours at the SEPTA station and thought that made you ‘Nam buddies.
    Recommended course of action: the standard protocol of IGNORE will suffice.
  2. At 6:15 AM: a Poke from your father.
    Recommended course(s) of action: a swift retaliatory Poke or a diplomatic reminder that a call or text are just two of many preferred means of interaction.
  3. At 8:03 AM: a post from Sean Rosen in the group, ‘RHS Class of ’08’ regarding the football team’s latest win.
    Recommended course of action: self-removal from the group with all due haste.
  4. At 8:58 AM: a friend request from Will Garner, the cute mutual friend of Emily’s you met yesterday.
    Recommended course of action: acceptance of request followed by thorough Facebook profile examination for potential girlfriends, boyfriends, or any other romantic interest. (Note: In the event of a noted absence of romantic interest, see the ‘GET IT’ manual located in the ‘Help’ tab.)

Otherwise, it is free Home Page patrolling this morning.

Jeremy shared an AJ+ video; best to watch the first twenty seconds, then scroll on. Oh, good, Lily shared a cat video; best watch the entirety. Nothing that needs immediate attention.

NOW REPORTING: a large body of text. From foe or friend? Ah, an FMF—frequently misguided friend. Subject matter? Oh, dear god. Politics. The fiend! POV? Wrong. Dead wrong. Completely wrong.
Recommended course(s) of action: ignore this blatant attack, which will surely happen again or … dispatch the enemy surely and swiftly with counterattack.

LAUNCH COUNTERATTACK.

Express understanding. Go.
Validate point, superficially. Go.
Standby, switching tactics. Ready …
Tactfully disagree. Go.
Provide crushing textual evidence. Go.
Bring it home! Use evidence against FMF main point. Go.
Increase force of sass in order to …
CONFIRM HE IS WRONG. GO. GO. GO.
All that’s left to do … reply button armed and ready. And. Go.

Well done. Another Facebook FMF forever changed thanks to your thoughtfulness and intellect. Congratulations. The Home Page thanks you.

NOW REPORTING: notification from FMF. ALERT. We have a reply without a like, I repeat, we have a reply without a like. Reply report: several Gs of sass, maximum amount of ignorance, and zero degrees of change.
Recommended course(s) of action: respond with flag of truce or respond with force.

RESPOND WITH FORCE.

LAUNCH SASS.
LAUNCH THE HIGH HORSE.
LAUNCH THE BIG WORDS.
GIVE ‘EM HELL.
Reply button armed and ready. And. BOMBS AWAY.

NOW REPORTING: notification from FMF. Notification from friend of FMF. ALERT. We now have a joint attack and not a like to be seen.
Recommended course(s) of action: respond with flag of truce or fight on both fronts.

FIGHT ON BOTH FRONTS.

LAUNCH GENERALIZATIONS.
LAUNCH THE LOGICAL FALLACIES.
LAUNCH THE HOLIER-THAN-THOU GUNS.
Reply button armed and ready. And. MAKE THEM WEEP.

NOW REPORTING: notification from FMF. Notification from 3 friends of FMF. ALERT. It’s an ambush. You’re in enemy territory. There’s only one way of escape.
Recommended course(s) of action: respond with flag of truce to keep a shred of pride or do not respond, thus admitting you were wrong.

FLAG OF TRUCE.

PULL THE AGE THROTTLE.
Systems reverted to second-grade vocabulary and problem-solving abilities.
Launch the little words.
Launch the emoticons.
Launch attacks on personal attributes.
Launch semblance of concession.
White flag ready. Reply button armed and ready. And. White flag is raised.

 

BATTLE REPORT

Relationship with FMF: Ranging from strained to broken
Likes gained: 0
Friend requests gained: 0
Opinions changed: 0
Big words used: 16
Instances of misconstrued tone: 28
Mental well-being: -35%
Moral well-being: +0.5%

Summary: Not Worth It.
Comments: “We have so much to say, and we shall never say it.”

 

 

Works cited:
Remarque, Erich Maria, and A. W. Wheen. All quiet on the Western front. New York: Ballantine , 1982. Print.
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